That Character tho.

Whenever I write a character into one of my stories that I imagine Brad Butland playing, I almost always give him a Scottish accent. I have no idea why. Well, I have an idea I guess. Either way, it's amusing.

Apollo's First Sonata Revisited

Apollo’s First Sonata Revisited

        Where was I ten years ago?

         In 2008, I was in Moncton. I had finished directing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead for Hubcity Theatre, and I was at this point performing in one of my favourite roles in their production of Gaslight. During this time I wrote songs under the name Apollonian Skies, and also self-published my first book- a small poetry book called Apollo’s First Sonata (named after my song-writing name.)

         I thought life was starting to get rolling. For various reasons, it didn’t end up that way. I kept busy, and though I only self-published the novel that I was working on since 2010 sometime last year, I did self-publish it. Now, for the sake of trying to put everything in one spot so that I have a bit more direction, I’ve republished Apollo’s First Sonata.

        I’ve taken a couple of poems out that didn’t fit and felt incoherent to anyone who wasn’t me (just what did I mean by “don’t close your eyes over me”? And no one but me knew For The Blackest Quill was about Geoffrey Rush’s portrayal of the Marquee de Sade in Quills). Some of it just seemed like exercises in rhyming and eloquence- because basically that’s what it was. The rest is still pretty decent. I still fear people will misinterpret the playfulness of Apollo and the Nymph in Said Apollo to his Muse, but at this point I’m not going to add another stanza to make it 100% clear that the Nymph is interested in Apollo; she spends the poem holding her power by teasing Apollo until he’s forced to be honest instead of lavish, and listen to her instead of spouting what he thinks she wants to hear. It's still one of my favourites.
        Maybe someday I’ll do another poetry book.  One a bit more eloquent, a bit more mature, a bit more well-rounded. The poems in this one are by no means masterpieces, but they remain the product of a quiet, thoughtful young man who was just learning how to express himself.

Reflections on Spiritual Influences

Since I'm amidst a 3 year meditation, and I just finished Aldous Huxley's The Perennial Philosophy, I'm going to reflect a bit on the authors who influenced be spiritually. It's a good chance to reflect on where I stand and where to go from here.

Age 14: Albert Schweitzer
Age 17: Leo Tolstoy
Age 19: Seneca
Age 20: G. k. Chesterton
Age  22: Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Age 29: Lao Tzu; Chuang Tzu
Age 31: Catherine Boothe; Jean Vanier; Carl Sagan; Emerson
Age 32: Merlin Stone
Age 33: Albert Camus
Age 34: Ninian Smart; Courtney Weber
Age 35: Josh Boswell; Ben Worthington III; Buddhism; Thich Naght Hahn; Ajahn Chah; Suzuki; Eva Wong; Red Pine; John Cleese; Diane Wolkstein; Aldous Huxley

There's a huge problem with this in that my influences would be spread out throughout the years. I only first read Huxley now, but it'll be a while before I fully read him. Same for when I read Emerson and when I read Camus. And I start Tolstoy and Schweitzer in my teen years, sure, but I didn't swim fully in depth with them until I was 30.

I guess all in all, I still have a lot of studying to do!

Adventures in Freddy Beach, Blooper one.

My ex just had to give away her dog. I know it's hard for her. Myself, I'm dealing with loss too- I just gave away my favourite leather chair.

#Firstworldlivingalonewithoutemotionalattachmentproblems.

Reading the Progress of Julius

Daphne Du Maurier (possibly apart from Dostoyevsky) is my favourite writer. She has an innate ability to engulf me with a setting through sweet poetic descriptions, then ever so casually toss something in that makes me go "WHAT THE F*** , Du Maurier??!!!", to which she shrugs and says, "human nature, bud'.

Goals for 2018.

It’s been a while since I updated what I’ve been working on lately, and so I would like to share for anyone interested in keeping up with me. It at times seems like a very monotonous task as most often I can’t seem to keep up with myself, and life certainly feels like this lately; hence why I have big plans for this year (and leading into next) to change all that.

The reason I say this is that looking back on 2016, it was a really rough year for me. Everywhere I went I seemed to either have problems with people or people had problems with me, and it became incredibly burdensome. Amongst all this I had trouble with my Resident Manager where I was staying, trouble with a local artist I was trying to buy a painting from, trouble at work with the union and the owners of the hotel, trouble with co-workers, trouble with director’s and cast mates, and on top of all that, dealing with my grandmother’s death. Everything seemed very burdensome and the only relief was a visiting friend taking me out for the summer, close friends and colleagues I act with, and the rekindling of an old long lost flame. It seems a relief that the year ended by the one who got away coming back to me and delivering me from my misery.

It wasn’t until late 2017 that I realized how miserable Moncton was making me, and Fredericton, with all its faults, at least was some place else. In 2017, I finished a novel I was working on for years.  It was the first piece of work that I actually finished and thought good enough to sell to people. By no means a masterpiece, it was still a piece of me and I’m happy for that. So in that spirit I wanted this year to be just as productive. My goal is that in 2019, I will be more spontaneous and free.

My goals for 2018:

·      Downsize. I’m in a good place to do it: a bachelor apartment half the size of my place in Moncton. A good chance to see what of my possessions I really want and which ones I can live without. For a man who is deeply influenced by religions which profess detachment from material possessions, I sure have a lot of possessions.

·      Take in the city where I live. Hike and bike on the trails, see the parks, eat at local restaurants, and meet some people. Take in some theatre as well. This is something I’d like to start blogging.

·      Study the Greeks a bit. I’m on Aristophanes currently, and I’ve finished the big dramatists (or at least their Orestelian works).

·      Study Buddhism and return to Daoism. I’ve read the Lotus Sutra and a few writings from Thich Nacht Hahn, as well as works from Theravedian Buddhists.  So far I’m closer to being at peace, though deep inside I’m still bitter and angry about the past. Buddhist teachings are indeed challenging me in ways that are benefitting me right now.

·      Write more. My To Write list is way too long, I need to finish some work for friends to enjoy. I’m looking at a sequel to Clarewood Heights too, for a few that may be interested in it.

·      Blog all of this. Blog more. Share it. Hopefully you'll find it entertaining, interesting, or beneficial. Either way, writing a few reflective pieces are good and helps me remember what I’ve experienced.

·      Write some new music. It’s been a long time. I barely touch my guitar nowadays. But if I were to write maybe three new songs, I’m sure it’d be good for the soul.

·      Give consistently to charity, or do more charitable work. I hate not having enough time or energy to do this. Giving to Because I’m a Girl will be top on my list!

·      Get ready to travel. I put off travelling in my Twenties due to being involved in theatre in Moncton, but I think now is the time to go on that journey I’ve always wanted to. Or at least the first of a few.  My first experience travelling was through the ABU-Oxford Program and though I had high expectations and there were a few good things I benefitted from, it was mostly a horrible experience for me that involved slander, harassment, alienation, and just loads of confusion, which lead me to being depressed for years afterwards. I’d love to have a few good travelling experiences with people that I can trust and be myself around; experiences that will help me grow spiritually and intellectually, as opposed to hindering my spiritual and intellectual growth.

·      Overcome the bitterness and resentment that has haunted me so that I can truly be free and be the person I meant myself to be.

So, yeah… those are my resolutions. That’s my direction and where I am right now.

Sincerely,

Jeff o’Clock.

A Brief Tribute to Chris Cornell

      I was in middle school when Down on the Upside came out. Muchmusic played Pretty Noose on heavy rotation, and Burden in My Hand as well, but it was when I looked up the alternative video MTV would play for Pretty Noose that I found my favourite band and singer. I loved how heavy the song was, I loved the lyrics and imagery, and I loved the guy with the guitar, spiked back hair, collar shirt (I thought it was that leather jacket he wore for interviews at the time), charismatic good looks, beating his guitar and moving to the rhythm of the music while he belted into the microphone; and I said to myself that this is what I always imagined a rock star looked liked. 

       I ran out and bought Down on the Upside, then Superunknown, and worked my way backwards chronologically up the Soundgarden Discography (BadMotorFinger being my all time favourite). When I entered high school, I was surrounded by guys wearing Kurt Cobain shirts. Though I hated that Cobain’s death became so commercialized (or so I felt) I appreciated how much they loved Cobain enough to identify with him. I was even told to “be a Cobain wannabe” in order to fit in, but I was never one who cared to fit in and besides, though I liked Cobain, it was Cornell’s lyrics and music that spoke to me, not Nirvana’s. So in my usual good-humoured fashion, I ironed a picture of Chris Cornell on one of my father’s old shirts and wore that instead. It felt more me. It got a bit of positive attention and it became a good ice breaker. The attention I got from it still amuses me.

     As I got into playing music, I listened to Chris Cornell more and more, and (unfortunately for my family) tried to teach myself how to sing like him.

      His talent was uplifting. Not only was he a gifted musician and a great rock singer, he was the best lyricist I’ve ever listened to.  Everyone speaks of Black Hole Sun, but to me it was songs like Let Me Drown, 4^th of July, and Fell on Black Days that showed how well rounded he and the rest of Soundgarden were. Fell on Black Days especially, with its grungy/bluesy guitars, its dark yet optimistic poetic lyrics, and the vocal arrangement. 

 “I’m a searchlight soul they say, but I can’t see it in the night
I’m only faking when I get it right”

Fell on Black Days, I found, was quite uplifting for the period in life I was going through.

“What you wanted to see good has made you blind
And what you wanted to be yours has made it mine
So don’t lock up something you wanted to see fly-
Hands are for shaking, not tying."
 

     Chris Cornell was my biggest influence growing up, and even up to now. Sexy, intelligent, charming, and talented- he was everything I wanted to be.  I'll always remember him as a poet, a philanthropist, a well-rounded musician, and a rock star. From his work on Singles and with the Screaming Trees, to Audioslave and his reunion with Soundgarden, he inspired me to take an active role in the creative forces around me. His tribute to his friend, Andrew Wood, after his death touched me deeply, as did the words he spoke about his friends who died of drugs and battled mental illness in the music industry, such as Cobain and Stayley.

And now he’s gone, but not forgotten. His influence will live on. He was my voice when I couldn’t speak and the force that inspired me to create.

Rest in peace, Chris Cornell.

And I will continue to echo what the rest of the world says-

 No One Sings Like You Anymore.

*I am not the photographer or owner of any of these pictures. Used in tribute only.